Pillar to Post
by SeppoD
Summary: Medieval AU – A declaration of war from an egotistical king sends the continent into turmoil and him into hiding with his only faithful knight. Kyle/Cartman among others.


I do not own South Park or it's characters and make no profit with this slash.

Kyle/Cartman slash here with story! Or, I hope that that is what it is. /: There isn't any fantasy elements, though the countries here are all made up and in no relation to any existing ones.

First person for the prologue, the rest will be in third, unless I decide another format is more suitable. ^-^

* * *

The first thought that came to mind when I entered these halls was of how brutish the women were. The curly-haired blond that welcomed me to the castle stood with hands on hips – as if she had been a farmer's wife and not the Queen's most trusted attendant. Her eyes were on guard and held none of the delicacy that I had seen in my departed mother's eyes. It was unfamiliar and, to be frank, a bit disconcerting as to how the Queen herself would be. I had heard tales of how the royals were here, but, somehow, I hadn't pictured the 'strong' woman as so, well, _strong._

I had followed with a curt nod at 'Annie', narrowing my eyes in annoyance as she refused to give her title, rank, or anything that would help me address her. These customs were strange and if I had my way about it, I would force these idiots to give up their primitive behavior in favor of a more refined way. Something like how my own country is. But, unfortunately, I don't have any of the power to do that. My land's standing in this world is fragile and if I am not as carefully peaceful as the late Queen was, than there is no doubt with how soon we would fall.

My mother was a bright woman who could make a ravenous lion purr as she sharpened the knife to skin it. I pause in my steps and look down as I remember her. She had lived a long life, despite having come into power with an illegitimate son and outside of wedlock. If anyone else had tried to manage a kingdom in her situation, they wouldn't even last long enough to see their new chambers. But she had managed it. I couldn't see her with anything other than respect and admiration. She treated me like an equal, even when her years outnumbered my own. She didn't treat me like a son, but as that of a capable individual that would one day take on a country she spent her whole life protecting.

And I would protect it with the strength that she couldn't have as a woman. I was lucky that all of my family had either died of disease or been under the care of another nation. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to take the only keepsake of my mother's that I wanted. Being a bastard child was fine for a peasant and just hunky dory for the miscreants of this backwards nation, but it was hell in my home. But, that isn't what I should be thinking of now. I cut my musing short and follow Annie farther into the keep, surveying the array of trophies that lined the walls. Not one painting, no embroidery – just skulls and stuffed heads.

I cringe at the barbaric home decorator that lived here and decided on just staring straight ahead. The mounted creatures and bones tainted the air around here with an intoxicating and foul odor. I chew on my tongue warily, finding myself on edge. Even when my guards had been forced to stay back at the gates and I was walking alone in a foreign country, I hadn't so much as broke a sweat. It was stupid how something as petty as a smell was what I needed to realize just how much danger I was in.

Every turn, every corner – a warrior could be preparing to lunge a knife in my gullet. I'm not safe here. My guards wouldn't know if I had been killed and, even if they could, how would they even manage to come to my aid? Susipec had the strongest army and the small group of guards with me would stand no chance against it. No, I am not safe here at all – _she_ is.

Hazel eyes meet from across the spacious room I had entered but a second ago.

I look at the woman that rules this kingdom. She is just as beautiful as every poet claims her to be. She has long, dark hair with bangs that looks as though it had been chopped off with a knife in the heat of a moment. Her eyes are the same color as my own, but the gaze she uses has something in it that I can't identify. She looks strong and stable, her posture perfect and arms lined with muscles that I had only seen on the workers in the fields. She wears a light purple tunic that was long enough to cover her to her knees – it's more like a gown, actually. Her feet are bare and neatly dangle just above the floor, the chair being so high off the ground that it must take a servant or two to help her into it everyday. Right next to her feet sat a sheathed sword with some sort of intricate gold design on the hilt.

But I'm not paying attention to those details even if my hyperactive mind is. I would not have her think of me anything less than that of a fellow royal in charge of a prosperous and sturdy nation by acting like a curious monkey of a peasant. I am a King. The rules may be different here, but that doesn't change the very fact that a woman can not be better than me, a man. She is still just a Queen without a husband. I stare at her, refusing to break eye contact. I try to convey that I am better than her and my presence here is a gift.

I don't think she understands, though. She raises an eyebrow at my tenacity and shrugs, an action that has my blood boiling. She leans forward on one hand and frowns, eying my form up and down in an increasingly unimpressed manner. I keep my face straight and fix up my posture, her inspecting making me more self-conscious than I am used to. After what seemed to take forever, she sits back up in her chair and snaps her fingers. Annie struts forward to take a stand next to the woman, leaving me alone on the opposite end of the room.

"I understand that you have something to say to me." She says this with half-lidded eyes, "A proposal, I should say."

I smile charmingly, "You would be correct." She rolls her eyes and shares a look with her adviser, who sticks her tongue out in such a childish mannerism that I could barely believe it myself. Really? The best attendant of this world's strongest land chooses to ridicule a visiting royal miles ahead of her in status with _that_? Right in front of my eyes, no less! I would execute her myself – but, not now. Even if this woman can't see my obvious appeal, than I'll just have to use my logic to get her.

I clear my throat to bring them back to my attention and continue, "Allow me to explain. I have recently been named King of my own land of Connubia, putting me in a situation very much like your own. However, there is a small difference between us and that," I indicate her body with a wave of my hand, "is the issue of your sex. You are aware of what I am about to say, I assume?"

"Oh, _no_, how could I?" She says this sarcastically, earning a giggle from Annie and another girl that stood amongst her guards. I purse my lips and, spying this, she ends her joking attitude, "..I apologize. You see, I'm afraid you are a bit.. _uneducated_ in our ways. It feels as though you are speaking like we use the same, ah, naive conduct that your country does when it comes to governing. My sex isn't an 'issue', as you say it is. My being of _pure_ royal blood is the only question my people would have, of which I am."

I grit my teeth as she drawled on that last statement, knowing that it was nothing more than a prod at my own heritage. I stay put despite the urge to lunge at her and force a calm, confidence into my face. She creases her brow at this new shift in my attitude.

"'Naive' would only be applicable to yourself in this conversation, I'm afraid. I **do** know of your customs. Perhaps when your grandmother was a youth, what you have said would be true, but now.. Well, how many of your people are truly your own anymore? Maybe you should take a look outside – for every three peasants that you see, there is only one drop of Susipec blood. They have pledged to your country, but their ways have been in them since birth and they will, unwittingly, continue with them. Your country is the only one that allows a female to stay alone on the throne and you should know that that is coming to an end."

She scowls and I can't stop the smirk I have. I've got her. Twenty years ago, there was an attack by some rebels in Diligiet, a country that was just east of Connubia. The attack was a shock, but Diligiet refused to take responsibility and Connubia had claimed to be too weak to be of any real help. That left Susipec by itself, which wasn't too much of a problem. However, several villages had been destroyed before the rebels were stopped, leaving several fields and jobs open. This attracted peasants from all over to fill the large country. They produced a generation of mutts and old traditions have never been more unstable than now.

She bares her teeth at me and kneads the armrests of her throne before sliding down to the ground. She stands a few inches shorter than me, but her head was raised high as she stalks forward to stop several feet from me. I guessed right when I thought that her country's state was a sore spot and, thankfully, she looks more compliant to my offer. I complete the gap that is left between us cockily. I look down at her for a second or two before I go to my knee and grin knowingly up at her.

"Queen of Susipec, I am here to propose for your hand in holy matrimony. My land may be small in comparison to yours, but we are wealthy and I assure that I will be more than willing to share that wealth with yourself. I have given you ample time to consider our union and now I come for the answer." I stop for a beat, but she doesn't say a word. I inwardly sigh, but she _is_ a woman, "Wendy, will you marry me?"

Maybe I shouldn't have been so informal, maybe I was getting ahead of myself – maybe this whole idea was just a mistake. Whatever the reason, when I took her hand to kiss, she let out a growl that I was certain could only come from a bear until now. I widen my eyes as she snatches her hand out of mine and, in one swift motion, knocks me on my ass. I use my elbows to support myself and look at her in shock as she glares down at me.

"I have never been more disappointed in my whole life by a ruler. You are an_ egotistical_, _greedy_, **fat** pig of a man who has no right to be in any royal court – even if that court is the _insignificant_ country of Connubia! The commoners of your country may be able to forget your **disgusting** upbringing as that of a_ bastard child_, but Susipec will not! I carry the pride of all of Susipec when I say that I would rather risk a _revolt_ than have to share any connection to King **Eric**!"

I gape at her as she spits at my feet, her chest heaving after all the yelling. She smirks and looks over her shoulder at Annie, who carries a satisfied smile, "Not even the beggars shall know your name as part of their own – see to it that the names 'Eric' and 'Cartman' are outlawed and every child, man, or woman bearing it must change it immediately to something more suitable for a human being." Annie nods and walks past me, pausing to make a gleeful face at me before leaving the hall.

I couldn't care about that, though. I had not only been rejected, but in the most humiliating manner this woman could muster. Thank _God _my followers weren't here to witness this. I stand up, seething. The only thing keeping me from that bitch was the row of guards and the last shred of my dignity.

I raise my head and stare heatedly at her back as she makes her way towards her throne, "Even if we fall.." I mutter throw gritted teeth, making her pause in step, "Connubia will use every ounce of it's strength! I DECLARE **WAR **ON SUSIPEC!" I screech it, my anger seeping into every letter of my words. I turn away from her in time to miss the look she gave me at this declaration and march out of the castle, past the servants, through the gates, and inside the carriage that brought me here.

Back inside the throne room, Wendy stood still with a mixture of emotions that was best summed up by a whisper.

"Oh, no.."


End file.
